Category Archives: rambling

i am now scared of the future

As if my constant second-guessing and wondering whether I should have just looked for a job weren’t enough, this morning I was eating breakfast with my parents, and, thinking it was the Sunday Book Review, I picked this up. So now I’m even more worried that I might be doing the wrong thing. Here’s why.

One of the articles in this segment suggests that your graduate school debt not be higher than your expected future salary. My anticipated three-year-debt will be approximately twice what I can expect to make, if I get offered the higher end of the average librarians’ salary in my first year.

Another article was about how the master’s is the new bachelor’s, which basically means that I will be nothing special, right? I’m still only going to be most basically qualified for jobs, right? Or does the fact that I’ll have two master’s make me somewhat cool? Or am I basically just going into the debt that I so smartly avoided for undergrad, and essentially not making myself much more qualified than the average person, if the new average person has a master’s degree like me?

People with graduate degrees make more money than their counterparts with bachelor’s degrees, but the amount they make varies by field, and humanities and liberal arts has the lowest difference in salary between graduate and non-graduate degrees. Plus, essentially all librarians have master’s degrees, so wouldn’t the real discrepancy in that field be between master’s and doctoral degrees? So I lose.

It’s not like I can drop out at this point, and it’s not like I actually want to. But when you have a genius idea for a bookstore you’d like to open, your high school and college friends are all getting married and getting jobs, and the New York Times decides to freak you out, it’s hard to retain perspective. So here are my ways of reassuring myself.

Graduate school will make me happy, because I have never gotten the enjoyable academic experience I’ve been seeking since third grade. And mental and emotional health should not be taken lightly.

I keep complaining about my rising to-read list, and now I’m worried I’ll never find the time to read it all, but graduate school is a time when the government loans you more money than your mother makes in a year, all so that you can eat and drink and read books all day long.

Graduate school is where liberal progressive nerds come home to roost, so conceivably I should finally be able to find my people, right? Intellectual soulmates and fellow awkward smart people to be nerdy with, at last!

My big sister might be the youngest person in our family to own her home, she has a husband and 1.5 kids, and she’s not awkward like I am, but at least I’ll beat her to a second degree?

I really like learning and being an intellectual elitist, and having two master’s degrees will keep me a viable player in that game, even if I am moving to the intellectual elitism capital of the world.

If graduate school is what it takes to get me to a career I think I could be good at and be happy with, since my dream careers are mostly dreams, than that’s what matters most, right?

That should hold me for awhile. I think I just need school to start. A month til I move, about six or seven weeks til classes (and my birthday! agh 23–here comes a new existential crisis).

in my underwear

I can totally see why guys in nerd bands like to perform in their underwear, or at least without shirts. I like to sit around in my underwear as well. It’s comfortable, and it means you don’t have to spend time doing your hair. But I think it’s interesting that only guys are allowed to be half naked ironically, in an obviously unsexy way. If I’m half naked, I will be seen as trying to be sexy, and, I suppose depending on who it is looking at me and how much I’ve been working out, it will be deemed as successful or not. But boys in bands get to strip down and pretend like they don’t care, and I imagine the purpose is to make the audience somewhat uncomfortable, but also to make the audience appreciate the irony.

Last night I went to Dry River to see a high school friend’s band play. The show was fine, but it also made me realize that probably all shows at Dry River are the same, in that every show I have been to there has consisted of incredibly skinny boys playing instruments and stripping down to their underwear. The music might be good, but the tighty whiteys can be so distracting.

I would like to do a pseudo subversive experiment and start a girl geekcore band and perform in our underwear. Because I am willing to bet that no matter what the girls in the band looked like, unless they were incredibly disgusting, people would call girls playing music in their underwear either a) really hot, b) an obvious way of distracting from bad music by “using their sexuality,” c) girls who didn’t get any trying to get some now, or d) weird/trying too hard/uncool, depending again on what kind of audience it was.

Still, ironic use of subersiveness could be fun.

i am not perfect? pssh. now i am.

I read a lot as a child. A ton. I was always begging the librarian to let me take out more than my allotted 25 books on my card, and I’ve had my library card number memorized since I can remember. Anytime I had to drive anywhere, I would take a book, even if it was just a ten-minute drive to the grocery store. To a detrimental point, almost, as I was the kid who tried to read at the dinner table, and who missed hearing stories about her grandparents’ childhood because she was reading, I read tons and tons of books from the second my sister taught me how to read.

But I wouldn’t say I was a very good reader. Even now, I am conscious of when I drift into skimming, and I can very easily get through ten or twenty pages and realize that, while I know the plot of what I was reading, I have no idea if the girl’s shirt was blue or if it was raining, because I trained myself to read quickly by skimming, not by reading all the words. This is probably why I am so good at writing dialogue and not so good at extended descriptive paragraphs. Dialogue is what my eye was drawn to as a reader (plus, I’m a talker), so it’s what I learned how to write. Fast reading certainly earned me points in elementary and middle school, and I won’t say that I was a bad reader. I did well in English classes, too. But I wasn’t really a great reader, and that hurt me when I got to the second half of high school and I had to read things that had been published more than twenty years ago, and I had to glean meaning from them. I had to guess why the writer was saying what they were saying, and what how they were saying it had to do with the message they were sending. I had to understand the historical, political, and cultural contexts of the author and of the story. Knowing the plot of the story wasn’t the same as knowing “what it was about.” And, even though I was also a very good writer, I didn’t really know how to read as a writer, either. Like Norma Fox Mazer said to me when I was 16, “You’re a very good writer. When will you use your talent to tell a story that matters?” In reading and in writing, I didn’t really understand yet how and why stories mattered.

Though I like to say I learned next to nothing in college, the thing that stood right next to that nothing was how to be a better reader. First it was Friday discussions with a PhD student and a group of awesome intellectuals having probably a similar college experience that I was having. Then it was the last three semesters, in which I had to read “hard” stuff, “old” stuff, and get good at finding meaning it without being spoonfed by a teacher. It was also when I started reading more newspapers, blogs, and hoity-toity magazines like The New Yorker. Before those last two years of high school, I had a lot of comprehension difficulties with older texts, and I never sought out help, because I wasn’t the kind of person who did badly in school. And I thought not understanding was a form of failure that was not in keeping with who I was, even though I also hated who I was and hated being pegged as “good at school.” It’s hard even now to comprehend that I had trouble learning something, and it’s very hard to admit it or believe it. That’s just not me. But I had to force myself to work at it.

I like to tell other people that things are only hard if you don’t practice them, because I love to insist that everyone will love reading if they only find a good book. Anyone who says that reading is hard doesn’t do it enough. After all, I find basketball difficult, and that’s because I shoot a basketball once every five years, probably. Not that I was ever good, but I was more decent in fourth grade when I played basketball at lunch every once in awhile. So when I thought about how I try to give other people advice on how to read (and I’m just talking pleasure reading), I realized that you have to read difficult stuff, older stuff in somewhat archaic language, stuff with jargon not from your field, and stuff that feels too literary to be understandable if you hope to make it any easier for you. Now I read everything. All the time. I did that as a child, but now I read literally everything, with more of an active brain. At work, the one mentally stimulating part of my job was bringing a book and reading it at the desk when nothing was going on. Now they won’t let me do that, so I look for anything to read. I read our calendar repeatedly. I read repetitive (interesting above all, but they all say the same thing) articles about the psychological importance of play for children. I read flyers for other museums and early childhood education programs. I have to read, because my mind is going a mile a minute and if I don’t focus on one thing, I’ll have too many ideas and they’ll all crash into each other. Seriously. The girl who found even Edgar Allen Poe to be incomprehensible at 16 now reads Oscar Wilde for fun. That may seem easy, but for a girl who never challenged herself in her reading, it’s a big accomplishment. I think I understand now how stories matter, even if the why is probably an eternal human mystery just like the meaning of life. I think I understand now how I am a writer, and what I’m doing when I manuever certain words and events and reactions. I think I am firmly on the boat of development from good to great now, instead of sitting in the average sea. And it’s a lot of fun to be rowing here.

giving myself homework

2011 Reading Challenge

hannah has

read 13 books toward her goal of 150 books.

hide

I think I’ve been reading too much. Is that unhealthy? I know if it were the days of The Power of Sympathy, that question would go without saying. I am a young, single woman who should not be exposing her mind to radical ideas. But as books were scandalous in the 18th century, television is now, so really the fact that I’ve been reading a lot should be a step in the right direction.

Maybe it is, because lately I find something to bother me in every single television show I watch. I notice blatant product placement and mistreatment of the mentally ill used for comedic effect in “Bones.” I notice that Lea Michele is looking distinctly skinnier (and less pretty as a result of her thin, pallid looking face) in “Glee.” I can call every plot twist of “Private Practice.” “Gossip Girl” is so over the top that it’s not even fun anymore, just insipid and annoying. I take so little pleasure in all my shows, and yet I’m still watching them.

So is this why people claim that they don’t read? Because they actually don’t? Because reading makes you smart and makes you aware of things and makes you care about things, and then it makes you read into everything until you can’t just have mindless fun anymore, because everything is a document that needs to be annotated? Maybe this is the cause of not being in school anymore. I’m giving myself homework. And I know the point of graduating early was to give myself a chance to learn things on my own terms, but I meant learning when i sat down to learn, not overanalyzing a television show that I normally watch just to look at the pretty outfits. Damn all this sociology and literature. Damn my overactive mind. :-p

i should be vegan, but i don’t want to

Over the summer, I decided to cut out most of the meat that I eat. It was part of my general diet plan that I outlined on this blog when I started, and it went along with other self improvements, like exercising more and cooking more. After gaining weight my freshman year of college, I decided I should make a conscientious effort to only eat meat at one meal a day, rather than having, say, a turkey sandwich for lunch and chicken and pasta for dinner. But even that didn’t seem like enough when I weighed 140 pounds (141 is the official beginning of overweight BMI for my height, and I lie about my height, so really I was already overweight, though not at all in a dangerous way), plus I had just watched “Food, Inc,” so I decided that I should only eat meat every couple of weeks, and then only eat it if it was organic, kosher, local, grass-fed, or something like that that indicates it’s not the average animal shot up with drugs and hormones and fed with corn and shoved into a dirty slaughterhouse. For anyone who has seen that movie, I will say that, as someone who has always been grossed out by raw meat (another reason to be a vegetarian), I was struck by how much I wanted to eat the organic chicken that I saw killed, plucked, and cut up on screen; it was just so fresh- and healthy- and yummy-looking. Organic really is better, and you can literally see why. It’s part of my general campaign to feel more personally responsible for the life I lead, because it’s very easy to sign CREDO petitions online and a lot harder to actually reduce my carbon footprint (I now only take elevators if I’m going up really high, if my asthma is acting up, or if people are already using it; I annoy my parents to death when I dig things out of the trash can and put them in the recycle bin; I take the bus to school since my car died) and take personal responsibility for keeping at least my part of the world as healthy as possible.

So, aside from Thanksgiving weekend, when I had a lot of delicious French food and Thanksgiving food for four days, I really only have meat twice a month, and it’s gotten to the point that I do feel sick if I have it more often than that. I don’t feel the need to be anything more than a flexitarian, because I don’t not eat meat because I think eating animals is wrong; I just don’t eat meat because I think the American way of eating animals is wrong, and because I would rather be lean and healthy than obese and sick. I also don’t want to never eat meat, because I like to travel, and sometimes your only option is meat, especially when you are also lactose intolerant, like I am. Plus, since American meat is far nastier and far less healthy than other meat, I don’t feel as if I am eating piles of grease and corn and drugs when I eat meat in other countries. Also, I have a big problem with snobby vegetarians, because, even though there are some “traditional cultures” whose diet is naturally vegetarian, there are plenty of others that get to eat meat a lot, or they get to eat it as a treat, or they are really gracious to tourists and travelers and offer meat even if it’s expensive, and I don’t want to be rude if I can be polite without getting sick. Vegetarianism with complete nutrition is a privilege that Americans have, and it shouldn’t be imposed on people who either don’t have access to vegetarianism or who live in a place where the alternative to vegetarianism doesn’t increase greenhouse gases or contribute to monoculture. Americans should be vegetarians, vegans, or flexitarians because our lifestyle is basically the asshole lifestyle of the world, but other people shouldn’t necessarily have to accommodate that.

In high school, I hadn’t quite developed my ideas of being a conscientious world citizen (not that I’m so great at it now), but I did believe, as I believe now, that, in a general understanding of things–slaughterhouse practices aside–there should be no moral or health reason not to eat meat. I think it’s part of the food chain (lions aren’t vegetarians, and PETA doesn’t go yelling at them), and certainly protein and iron are good for you. I’ve always been a sort of picky eater, and in high school I was still a picky eater, especially about meat. I don’t like it if it looks slightly funny, or if it’s too pink, or if it’s too dry, or whatever, so I’ve never been a big meat lover, because it’s easier just to say no to it than to be that girl who picks around her food. (I’ve since decided that being a foodie is more interesting than eating pickily, but I’m still happy with my vegetarianism.) But when my high school class went to Kenya, I wanted to immerse myself in it, and I think the best way to learn a different culture is through food–eating, cooking with people, sitting around in a kitchen and watching people cook, visiting a farm…all of which I did while I was there–so I was happy to at least try everything we were served. I didn’t like goat, but I ate it the first time and just passed the next few times it was offered. The beef was tougher than the beef I was used to, but I ate it.

There were many people in my group who were vegetarians, and they would get really demanding and offended when they were offered meat. We had a personal cook who once made us grilled cheese with ham because everyone was complaining about being hungry. It wasn’t a mealtime, but he made us a huge plate of sandwiches. I really hate ham, but I ate it, because I was hungry, and because it had been offered to me. The vegetarians threw a fit, so the cook had to make more cheese-only sandwiches, and a lot of the first batch of sandwiches went to waste, because there weren’t enough non-vegetarians to eat them.

I totally understand that if you have a diet in which you never eat meat, it might make you sick to all of a sudden eat an entire animal. But you can pretty quickly train your body to adjust to a diet, and I doubt any of these kids would have had anything more than slight indigestion, if anything. And the fact that they were so rude about it really bothered me. If you don’t want to be a part of something new or different, don’t travel. And don’t try to impose your privilege on someone who doesn’t have it. It makes you seem like an asshole.

This is why I am not a complete vegetarian (Michael Pollan calls it flexitarian) and why I’m not a vegan, even though that’s probably the best diet for me, since I can’t have a lot of dairy or a lot of meat without feeling ill. That is also why I would never switch to keeping kosher, even though I can see some value in kosher style, and even though a lot of kosher food is just more delicious than its non-kosher counterpart. You can’t travel if you have a closed mind or a closed stomach. And travel isn’t limited to actual travel. I would say the concept also transfers to being a world citizen and to being a respectful person in general.

**I think maybe I sound much more high and mighty than Michael Pollan does when he talks about this stuff, and also the word “American” appears too much in this post. Sorry.

how i became spoiled

I went to high school with lots of spoiled children. Since I was on full scholarship, I don’t remember exactly how much it cost per year, but this year it was $15,750, and I graduated in 2007, so you can imagine. I have always prided myself on not being spoiled, which is probably a way of being spoiled. But also, my parents aren’t stupid, and in the traditional sense, they did not spoil me. They couldn’t afford to. And they didn’t grow up in families where spoiling was common, and they were young adults during the sixties and did the hippies-going-to-South-America-and-making-their-own-acid thing, and they did the living-on-a-commune-in-New-Mexico thing, and in the general sense of the word, I was not spoiled. My parents did not buy me everything I circled in the Toys R Us catalogue–in fact, they bought me nothing from that catalogue, because we are a family that prefers independent/local businesses, used bookstores/toy stores, and in general subscribe to a very progressivist attitude about children’s toys, media, book reading, etc. My mother never bought me a Barbie (my dad did once, but that’s because I am the baby of the family and could usually convince him to buy me a little something if we were already at the store getting shampoo–plus, it was the black Barbie, it was a teenager one, and I mostly wanted it because it was a gymnastics Barbie, and there were no other dolls that were flexible and came with a vault, and I was really into gymnastics), but if other people did, she let me play with them. Most of my other toys were either not brand name toys, or they were toys that encouraged creativity, and I honestly found my Barbies kind of dull. Barbies were like cable television or McDonald’s, a devious treat I enjoyed at friends’ houses but knew were base, largely useless, for common people who didn’t know anything about progressive politics, and lacking quality. (I had my first and only Big Mac when I was 20, and my sister and I agreed that above all, it tasted like disobeying our mother.)

So I’m not spoiled. I turned down all eight private universities out of state (one was actually public and Canadian, but whatever) and said yes to the University of Arizona. We couldn’t afford my dream schools, even with their hefty scholarship offers, and not only did I feel profoundly uncomfortable watching my mother in tears over not being able to send me there, but I hated going over the finances and knowing that I would be responsible for my parents never going on vacation or buying a used car ever again just so that I could afford two years of school. I tried to swallow my pride and forget about how my high school indoctrinated us with the idea that if you went to U of A, you were a failure and should try to transfer. And I took my scholarship, which pays me a refund check every semester, and which, until tuition skyrocketed this year, paid my rent and left me with enough money to ensure that my two or three part-time jobs would be all fun money, for movies, for clothes, and for international travel. And that is when I became spoiled.

I’m still not spoiled to the extent that I don’t understand money. I would never just spend recklessly to the point of having thousands of dollars of credit card debt. I may not have lots of savings at the moment, but I always pay my credit card bill in full. But having free money from the university each semester has made this semester a hard one, because all of a sudden the money I earn is also the money I spend, and I need to curb my shopping, eating out, and drinking out habits. And even that’s negligible, and I’m not doing a great job at it, because I moved back in with my parents to save money, and I know they’ll float me if I need it. In the past three years when I was about 90% supporting myself (my parents paid my insurance and also usually paid for medium-sized items, like new clothes and the crazy amount of prescriptions I need each month–I buy my big-ticket items, like plane tickets, or I have my parents buy them and pay them back at the beginning of the next semester when I have money again), any time I said something like, “Oh, but that’s expensive. I don’t think I can afford it right now,” my mother would tell me I was being ridiculous and that she and my dad wanted to support me and that they could always pay for things when I couldn’t. So I felt guilty paying for my own stuff and also guilty not paying for my own stuff, because my parents wouldn’t have to spend so much money on me if I didn’t start living a nicer lifestyle than the middle class one I grew up with.

I hated the kids who thought it was their birthright to have a car waiting for them the day they turned 16, but I didn’t earn my car, either. My parents really couldn’t afford to buy a new-used car when they did, but they did so that I could have their very old Infiniti to drive myself around. And now that that 18-year-old car is dead and gone and I’m on the bus, I like to think that I’m integrating myself back into the world I’m from, but at the same time, thinking that it’s quaint and hipster and green of me to take the bus kind of de-legitimizes my claim to the lower middle class. Except that I’ve never really left the lower middle class. I just won the mini-lottery and had about $10,000 of extra cash spread over the last three years to play with. Was that when I was spoiled? Or is it now, when I live rent-free with my parents (which my sister did for her college career, so I really shouldn’t feel bad that I’m doing it for a year), borrow their cars without paying for gas, go out to eat with my friends and then tell my parents I can’t pay them back for my Prague plane ticket this month, and ask my mom to buy me new shoes so that I can also afford to buy stuff on iTunes. And then I’m graduating from college a semester early, and instead of getting a full-time job, I’m going to write, volunteer, work for $7.50 an hour, and generally hang out, because I can afford to. Even my mom says that now is that time to do that, since I can afford to be selfish. But it makes me feel guilty.

So which one is me being spoiled? What is spoiled, anyway?

luce

I didn’t want to wake up early, but it was either leave the house at 7 and get a ride to campus, or wake up at a normal time and take the bus. There’s nothing wrong with the bus, but I hate relying on other people to get transported. That’s still what I did when I had my dad drive me, but somehow it feels a little different.

Still, it’s somewhat refreshing to be up this early. I don’t feel sleepy, for one, because I went to bed at 10:30 and woke up at 6:00. I’m drinking a big mug of Kona coffee and listening to Norah Jones play over the sound system at Caffe Lucé, a coffee shop I really don’t spend enough time at, because I don’t spend enough time at any coffee shops or anywhere except my house. Also, it’s not even 8:00am and I’m already ready for school, blogging and playing Free Rice (my way of studying vocab for the GRE). With the rest of the time I have before class, and the rest of the time I have between classes today, I will continue to study, finish reading Dr. Faustus and The English Faust Book for my British lit class, and work on my applications. There are much worse ways to spend the day. I was going to watch last night’s episode of “House,” but the music is nice, and this way, I’m actually being somewhat productive. Even if blogging doesn’t exactly count as directly productive to school, GRE, or applications.

I’m realizing that, even though I don’t consider myself to have the best vocabulary, I actually have an incredibly decent grasp of language. I start Free Rice at level 40, and it’s generally full of words I have never seen before. But I get 95% of them correct, just because I know enough about basic Greek prefixes and suffixes, and then I’ve taken Latin, Spanish, French, and Portuguese. Learning other languages is awesome when you want to be better at English. Vernacular English may be simple and not at all romance-like, but intelligent words are much more based in Latin. And then, just to further my knowledge, I change Free Rice to Italian or German, since I’ve never taken either language, and that teaches me further in terms of roots and bases for words. Love words. They are great. Now I just need to remember them so that I can use them. But at least when I read them, I know what they say.

you are a tree

A citrus one, mature enough to bear fruit.

Bad fruit just falls. You don’t have to do anything about it. You don’t have to say, “Hey, bad fruit, get off of my branches.” You don’t need to wait for a fruit picker to come and take it away for you. The bad stuff just falls away, and you don’t notice or care, because it was just bad stuff. It’s a little hard to let it go at first, because it grew on you, and it was fruit, and you didn’t want it to go rotten, but it’s rotten, so let it go. The good fruit, though, ripens and keeps growing. Sometimes people pick it and then you don’t have it anymore, but there’s still other good fruit, and other flowers that open. Good stuff has a way of recycling itself as long as you stay healthy.

pensando en español

Me quejo mucho de mis clases en la universidad, de los alumnos en esas clases, y de todo mi vida. Soy una kvetch. Pero este semestre es diferente. Por tres meses, he sentido mucha positividad en mi vida y en mí misma. No sé si fue un evento en particular, o si fuera Praga, Rutgers, familia, y todo que pasa en la vida. A pesar de la causa de mi buen humor, estoy de buen humor. No recuerdo un sentimiento como esto hace muchos años.

Conversando con mi hermana sobre nuestras experiencias muy diferentes en la U de A, me di cuenta de que la gente que a mi no me gusta no importa. Lo que vale es lo que yo recibo en mi educación. Siempre digo que no estoy aprendiendo nada, y creo que debía haber aprendido más que aprendía en tres años y media, pero sí he aprendido. En la clase de español esta mañana, me di cuenta de que estaba pensando en español. Creo que la indicación que un idioma extraño ya no es extraño pero es sólo otro idioma es cuando no sé si estoy hablando (o pensando) en inglés o español. El español es la única lengua en que esto occurre–a veces, occurre en portugués, pero no mucho. Es la diferencia entre mi español y mi francés, por ejemplo. Tengo habilidades fundamentales en francés, y podría viajar a Francia y hablar sobre el tiempo, la comida, y mí misma, pero siempre estoy cognizante del hecho de que estoy hablando un idioma extraño. En español, ahora, esto no occurre. Tengo éxito, y este éxito es por la educación.

Es fácil pensar que no estoy aprendiendo nada, pero ahora entiendo que es sólo parte de mi estilo de aprender: cuando entiendo algo, no pienso en esta cosa. Es parte de mi mente, y no tengo que recordar que sea nueva información. Si entiendo, entiendo. No me doy cuenta de que no sabía esta cosa ayer. Y también, no importa si los otros estudiantes están aprendiendo o no. Es un poco frustrante estar en clase con alumnos tontos, pero mi éxito no depende en el éxito de los otros. Estoy aprendiendo para mí.

Ahora necesito mejorar mis habilidades escritas, porque este blog post es horrible. Qué ironía de vida: en inglés, prefiero escribir. En otras lenguas, prefiero hablar. Tal vez es sólo porque tengo más vocabulario en inglés, y si practico mucho mi español y mi portugués, escribir en otras lenguas devolverán más fácil.

why learning literature is silly

This is the first college semester that I have felt challenged and educated. Truly. And it’s the first semester that I’ve really thoroughly enjoyed. It’s not that every class I’ve taken has been awful, but a lot of them have, and even the ones that were awful were not really challenging. Honors classes are generally shitty, except for my intro to ethnomusicology class and the honors contract I did in my literary analysis class. And there is a difference between a class being hard and a class being challenging, which is why I’m not counting music theory or neuroscience. Theory started out challenging and quickly turned into a place where I was completely lost and just maintained a B every semester by luck, and neuroscience was horrible, because everything we learned in this supposedly general education course was prefaced with “But you already know all this other stuff, so we’re just going to build on that,” when nutrition and weather gen eds in no way taught me anything about actual science.

Anyway. This semester I’m taking Spanish lit, which challenges me because my reading skills and my formal writing skills in Spanish are really poor. It drives me crazy that I don’t know conventions or rules about the tone to take, whether to say “we,” “I,” or “the reader,” etc. And even though many of the people in my class are terrible at Spanish and have no idea what’s going on, it challenges me to have to work out my ideas about literature in another language. I was finally getting to the point that I really felt like I had an aptitude for literary analysis and conversation in English, and now I have to find a way to do close reading in my second language and to find the vocabulary to discuss things. So that is good.

Then I’m taking three English classes: non-fiction prose, Victorian literature, and British literature through 1660. They are all going well, and it’s giving me the opportunity to finally read those things that everyone has read, like the Canterbury Tales and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I have a lot of homework, but not so much that I can’t handle it, and it’s keeping me on my toes.

But it’s also pretty sad that I’m 22 and have never read most of this stuff, even though I’m pretty well-read. There is a problem when you’re reading Tennyson’s “In Memoriam” for the first time and you think that one stanza is making the point that “it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved before,” and that’s when you learn that this poem is where that freaking line is from. And it’s also sad that we read books and watch movies inspired by classic literature, or using things that are now cliche that originated in classic literature, before we read the actual works. I was disappointed when reading Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, because I didn’t know if I would actually be surprised at the twist at the end, because the whole effing world knows that they’re the same guy. It’s not a difficult book to read, and there’s no reason that you couldn’t study it in 6th grade instead of 16th.

Reading more classic works at a younger age would a) make you smarter and probably more apt to be a good reader on your own, b) make you less stupid when you enter college, c) leave you to discover more obscure works from historical periods once you’re in college, and d) give you a chance to also study contemporary literature in high school and college, because it’s just as valid to know what’s getting written now and what was written recently as it is to know literature’s foundations. I really hate that I know next to nothing about the 20th century post-WWII, because neither my history courses nor my literature courses, in high school and college, found them valid to teach. That, or they had no time to teach them, because my teachers were busy catching me up on Christopher Columbus.

That’s not to say that you shouldn’t also read contemporary literature when you’re younger. I think it’s great that in elementary school and middle school I studied Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry and The Watsons Go to Birmingham, 1963 and Stargirl. But let’s be honest. Most of middle school is a waste of time, because it’s the worst time of adolescence, and you don’t even get to escape by actually learning things, because somehow administrators think that they shouldn’t make puberty harder on you by providing you with an education while you’re going through it. Honestly, you’d probably be better off being truant for three years than going to middle school, at least in Tucson. So I propose that middle school become the time when you start learning real things, so that other people don’t have to go to college and feel positively behind and stupid because they never got around to teaching themselves Middle English when they were 14.