Tag Archives: identity

blather about how smart i am, my virgo-ness, and my inability to express myself

I am incredibly gifted at languages and linguistics. Not bragging, just saying. That’s my strong point. I can mimic the sounds of a foreign language after not much exposure. It only takes a little bit of partial or full immersion for me to start understanding the grammatical structure of a language, even if I don’t know any of the words. After four years of choir, a year of eighth-grade Latin, a semester of Portuguese, two and a half years of French, and many years of Spanish, I can recognize and “read” written languages, especially Germanic and Romance ones, competently enough. When I learn new words, I invariably pronounce them correctly. Languages are my strong point. We all have areas in which we excel, linguistic nuance happens to be one of mine.

So it’s interesting that last night I was writing a quick, informal review of a book on GoodReads, and I spent a great amount of time grasping for a word that I could literally see and hear, through some kind of curtain, in my head, but could not totally get out. I am very, very attached to my thesaurus, which is weird when you consider that I almost never need to look words up when I’m reading. I understand and remember the meaning of most English words, and I can look at them and probably tell you what language they come from, but I can’t call words up out of my head without a problem. And even though I can read a page of Spanish and be perfectly satisfied with the 80-100% I probably understood, I have a lot of difficulty translating word for word, and I absolutely hate it when people ask me “how do you say [blank] in Spanish?” because I cannot tell you, even if I previously spoke or read the word in question. I suppose my language skills are based on nuance, context, and intuition, not direct correlation. This is probably also why I don’t keep my languages separate in my brain, and why I don’t think I’ll ever be totally fluent in any of the languages I’ve studied, because they mix together. From growing up, my most comfortable way of talking about tropical fruit is to say the names in Portuguese, I use regionalisms and Spanglish slang, especially when talking about cultural or food things, I’m not funny except when I’m using Yiddish, and I adore learning new compound German nouns, because they are so damn good at expressing ideas. Continue reading

as my first year of grad school comes to an end…

I consider the fact that, if I’m planning on taking a full load of courses each summer and graduating in August of 2013, my first year of grad school won’t actually be over until July 31st, when I have my last class until after Labor Day. But I’ll write this anyway.

I don’t want to do a sappy post of realizations and accomplishments and failures, so I’ll instead post some lists. I love lists. I have always loved making lists.

The first list: Words I have had to teach my computer this year so as to get rid of the annoying red squiggly underline Continue reading

pop&b

Like any girl who grew up in America, and like any girl who has an older sister she worships, my musical taste has changed, refined, and solidified as I’ve grown older. I had my middle school phase where I listened to anything that was on Top 40 radio, and there are still some things from the 1997-2003 time period that I will always love, defend, and unabashedly listen to, even if I know it’s absolutely terrible. And there are other things that are actually kind of underrated, like the fact that those manufactured pop groups like N Sync and Eden’s Crush were actually very well trained singers, just stuck in the bodies of fakely attractive people and forced to sing really terrible songs.

Anyway. My main genres when I was young were Motown, show tunes, jazz-pop standards, and pop-inflecting R&B. I could count on my sister getting me the latest Mariah Carey, Destiny’s Child, or Alicia Keys CD for each birthday and Chrismukkah. I listened to them extensively, and to this day, even in the age of iPods and playlists and listening to single songs and not albums, if I hear a song off of one of these ladies’ albums I know exactly which song should come next in the track listing.

But then I transferred from the very urban middle school I went to to private school, and then I discovered lots of other music, both that satisfied my ear and that spoke to the major angst I had. Also, it helped that liking music that my classmates liked helped me to fit in, since so much of the way I acted seemed not to do that for me. Continue reading

vanity! (sung to the tune of “agony” from “into the woods”)

I am actually more on the girly end of the spectrum than the tomboy side, though I think that binary is absurd. I refuse to leave my house if I don’t look showered and generally put together, I own a ton of hair products, and I’m happy to get free makeup samples when I buy my Clinique moisturizer twice a year. But I’m also very forgetful, so my relationship with makeup is generally the kind where I’m walking to the T and then I remember, “Oh, shoot! I was going to put on mascara today so that I would look pretty!” I own a lot of it, and I’m always happy when someone competent is playing with my hair or putting my makeup on for me, but I guess I don’t have the gene where you naturally know how to do your hair and makeup yourself. Also, not being particularly gifted with my optic sense, I am fascinated by people who cut my hair or people who can look at a magazine photo and copy a celebrity’s makeup, because I honestly don’t know what it is that they’re seeing in the follicles or eye folds, because I literally cannot see that kind of detail.

Anyway. This summer, when I was teaching high schoolers, I noticed how much makeup they were wearing. And I came to the realization that at 22 (now 23), I have reached the point where it really is important to kind of bow to society’s demands and wear a little makeup and present myself in a way that will not hinder my ability to get job interviews, be taken seriously, be seen as my age (I got carded for buying a lottery ticket on New Year’s Eve and was told I didn’t just look under 21; I looked under 18). Also, my body seems to have gotten confused about when you’re supposed to have acne, and instead of giving it to me when you’re supposed to get it, when your life already sucks as a teenager, I have it now. Anyway, I’ve now gotten mostly used to being a little more primpy on a somewhat regular basis. My eyebrows are always at some level of plucked, which is good, because I actually like the way they look now. I also wash my face at night before bed. In summary, I do all kinds of things that normal American girls have been doing since they were 12, except I started when I was 22. Continue reading

biracial literature #4: not making racial identity the whole story

The Whole Story of Half a Girl (Veera Hiranandani) is one of the better titles for these books, I think. Especially for a middle grade novel. This novel focuses on the life of Sonia Nadhamuni, a sixth grader who is half Indian and half Jewish, and whose father has just lost his job, forcing her and her sister to leave their private community school for regular public school. Like in any good middle school story, Sonia has to navigate the shark-infested waters of popularity, friendship, and academics, and she of course makes iffy choices along the way. She joins a cheerleading team, has to decide whether to sit with the black girl who likes books and writing like her or sit with the popular kids who exoticize her, and has to deal with being the formerly rich girl who now goes to public school. Continue reading

curlybraidedstraight

Oh, me and my hair. So much happens between me and my hair. When I was little, it was the bane of my existence, because I just didn’t know how to tame it or make it look its best. I’m still not so great at doing it, but I have some standby hairdos, and after many years of trying to flatten my curls, sometime in college I finally realized that it looked better to let the bounce bounce, rather than trying to overly tame it.

That said, the me I think of in my head is rarely the me I see in the mirror. My skin tone changes so much based on season and sunlight, and I never get it right, so buying makeup is a nightmare. Also, now that I’m in a new city that has humidity, I feel like I’m back at the beginning of learning how to do my hair, because it’s no longer a case of doing it and being sure that it will stay that way all the day. Humidity is crazy, yo. Even when it doesn’t feel humid outside, you come home and your hair is fuzzy instead of crisp.

I’m a “member” (by which I mean I lurk and sometimes click on interesting links) of two Facebook groups for mixed people. Swirl is one, and the other is a closed membership, possibly women only, group for people who are specifically mixed with black and something else. So even more than generally mixed people, hair comes up a whole lot. Lately, people have started posting side by side comparisons of how they look when their hair is natural and when it’s straightened, either chemically or with a flatiron. Here is mine. Continue reading

quick review of my weekend in minneapolis

Quickie observations, insights, discoveries, and revelations.

1. The Midwest doesn’t suck. Oops for thinking it did. It has pretty nature, clean streets, good food, and friendly people. Also, does it have an obsession with aioli?

2. Keynote opening speaker: Stephen Carr, author of The Shallows: What the Internet Is Doing to Our Brains. Excellent talk, must read his book. Neuroplasticity is like neural mapping–it’s that part of neuroscience that I understand conceptually without having to remember without drawing a cell, so I love it. Also, I wonder if the current tendency towards multitasking and multimedia extravaganzas is linked to what I see as a rise in more of my peers choosing multiple college majors in disparate fields or going towards interdisciplinary studies. Hyperlinking gives us access to so many new ideas, and I know in my experience, it has made me more interested in investigating other areas of study. Could be interesting to look into…

3. At the YALSA/ALA booth in the vendor exhibits, I got to meet a lot of the people I’ve been meeting via the Internet who work for or with the wonderful organization that is giving me money to go to school and get all kinds of extras like stipends for conferences. Not only are these people pretty awesome, but they way pumped up my ego by implying that I am already kind of famous in their circles, and that they want me to present at conferences and volunteer for committees and stuff. Sweet. Continue reading

i need cobblestone!

Don’t get me wrong, I am so, so happy here. Truly. Last year I was really happy in spite of the drama and sadness and frustration that was going on in my life, and that was the happiest I had felt in absolute years, like a decade or so. But now I’m happy, and it’s not really in spite of anything. Yes, I miss my family and friends and Tucson, but being away isn’t as hard as I thought. I’ve never gone more than six weeks without seeing my family before, and now I’m just about there, and it doesn’t feel as painful as it did before. The fact that I can balance the idea of still loving where and who I come from with being incredibly happy in my new state of life makes me know I am in the right place.

And it is such a good place to be. Cute, cozy apartment with few problems. Absolutely amazing dual degree program that is constantly challenging me, giving me new things to discover, and validating my choices in life. Volunteering for an organization in a capacity that feels genuinely like a contribution to tikkun olam and that is also both personally and professionally enriching. Making new friends, acquaintances, and connections at a rate that I can handle without feeling too overwhelmed and like I need to withdraw. More or less managing my money. Enjoying a season I’ve never seen before. Finding a little time to sing. Continue reading

biracial literature #3: the finding-identity-by-going-on-a-literal-journey trope

I’m heading back into the realm of biracial literature again, after reading some other stuff for awhile, both because it continues to interest me and because I’m now about 90% certain that I am going to spend my summer researching this to the point of being able to write, and hopefully publish, a scholarly paper on the “genre.” So this, and other books I already wrote about, is something I may go back and look at over the summer.

This is a new YA book called Black, White, Other: In Search of Nina Armstrong by Joan Steinau Lester. I would throw it more on the lower end of YA, for its language, treatment, and plot. Most simply, it’s about a 15-year-old biracial girl, Nina, in Northern California whose black father and white mother are separating. Her father is going on a sort of back-to-Africa kick, and Nina is beginning to become cognizant not only of racial difference itself, but also her privilege, assumptions, and appearance when she rides the bus through the black section of town to get to her father’s apartment, when she finds herself angry at her mother for trying to relate to Nina’s feeling of ostracization and discrimination, and when she begins to branch out from her white group of friends but then realizes that everyone expects her to choose either the white group or the black group. At the same time, there is a parallel story through the frame of a novel-in-progress written by Nina’s father about his great grandmother, Sarah, who escaped slavery. Nina begins to identify strongly with Sarah’s journey and struggles, and there’s an inkling that Sarah might actually be biracial, too, so we get the parallels with being biracial and told to choose, and being biracial by way of being the product of master-slave rape. Nina becomes totally overcome with feelings of guilt (it’s hard when you’re friends with people whose ancestors were slaves with your ancestors but also you’re friends with people who owned people like, again, your ancestors might have, etc. etc.) and confusion, and that is coupled with trying to comprehend the result of the Oakland fires and the portrayals of looters by the media.

I guess I’m a bit early when I call this a trope in biracial narratives, but it’s certainly a YA trope: Continue reading

l’shana tova: creed ’11-’12

I didn’t think I was going to be writing these anymore, but then Henry asked if I had written mine for this year, and I realized I kind of felt like I needed to write a goodbye to them. It’s fitting that I’m posting my *last* one on the day I have a lunch date with the original author. Here you are, Henry. And everyone. And me.

Creed ’11-’12
I believe my fictions contain too many truths,
yet I believe my truths are made of nothing but a
combination of infinite fictions. I believe
the present is fleeting yet ancient, like a worn,
cracking library date stamp. I believe time stamps are
for me and for posterity. I believe I’ve never cared so much, and
I believe I’ve never had so little concern
as I do now. I believe I am already prevailing.
I believe I am not here to make friends;
I believe friends can make me. I still believe
in singing. I believe in quiet letter writing,
flickering candles, and living in everyone’s past.
I believe acceptance is liberating; I still believe
in wishes, but I don’t need them anymore.
I now believe in study, in myth, in solitude.
I know I belong where I am.