Tag Archives: identity

on previously underappreciating my education

I hugely support the idea that you have to learn things more than once to know them. Elizabethan English is more comprehensible the more you read it. The piano is easier the more you play it. You remember what vocabulary words mean the more you see them used in different contexts.

But in concentrating on my studies now, I am seeing how I threw away a lot of what I was offered in the way of education in my past 23 years. My vocabulary, for one, is not where it should be, and I’m working on that. I’ve pretty much lost my French and my Portuguese, and I’m losing my Spanish because I’m not using it. And much of the theory I have been reading lately is stuff similar to, exactly the same as, or excerpted from the same greater work as things that were assigned to me late in high school or in college. And yet it seems new, or at least it has the allure of discovery and sometimes the difficulty of not being able to understand. So what, did I just not pay attention before, or is it really just that hard to learn things?

Some of it is definitely a laziness and snobbery issue, but what this is really teaching me is my learning style. I’m not going to quote that pedagogical theory about different kinds of learners, but evidently I have to find selfish applications for my education to really make it stick. By that I don’t mean that I have to know that grades and degrees are on the line, but that I have to have a selfish, personal desire to learn whatever it is to make it matter enough to me to really pay attention. Otherwise, I’ll sometimes really think I’m paying attention, even taking notes, and then I’ll realize that I have no clue what was just presented to me in the last five pages.

Right now it’s Joseph Campbell’s The Hero With a Thousand Faces, and holy shit, is it fabulous. I actually haven’t read it before, but in one of my English classes we used the Bill Moyers/Joseph Campbell video interview series as a text, so some of it is a refresher. But on the other hand, none of it is, because in that English class, I was so pissed about all the times it was necessary for the professor to teach basic grammatical skills to honors college students that I just didn’t respond in the way I should have to what was a really great set of “texts” (in addition to Campbell, we watched a Kenneth Branagh-narrated documentary of Goebbels’ diaries, and read Jung and Plato and Oliver Sacks). So now I’m reading this book in its entirety, even though the rest of the class is only reading the introduction, because I’m presenting the school of myth criticism in class on Monday. I can’t say it’s painful reading. I really do love it.

Part of why I love it is because it is awakening the old me. I devoured myths, fairy tales, and folklore when I was young. And fantasy, too, of all kinds, but especially the more Campbell-approved stuff, from tons of different cultures. A lot of my collection is long gone, but I still have some Andrew Lang anthologies, Virginia Hamilton compilations, and Joe Hayes collections, so that’s not a bad starting point. One of the best personal essays I ever wrote (which got me into Columbia) was about being supernaturally drawn to a mermaid statue sitting on a pile of rocks at a dangerous beach in Brazil, where my tia decided that I must be a child of Yemanjá to be so driven to climb out to her like that. And I know this is silly because I have yet to publish any fiction, but nearly all of the projects I have proposed to myself and even begun writing or planning out have been myth- or folklore-based. Then somehow I decided that wasn’t legitimate or cool or that other people had more of a claim on it than I did (as if only one person can like mermaids or rewrite a legend), so I abandoned it and decided to attempt to be a “serious” writer of realism. And look where that got me–now I rarely write, and when I do, it’s stilted. The good parts of my writing, even today after years of craft workshops and craft readings and a degree in creative writing, are what most closely resemble the things I was naturally drawn to my entire life. The projects I’m most excited about starting when I have some free time? The one based on an epic poem, the one based on a somewhat obscure fairy tale, and the one based on the fantasy epic my father invented as a bedtime story. Yeah. Let’s get on that.

It feels good to be back to that. It feels good to be who I am again. Maybe this will lift whatever was suffocating me.

anonymously yours and everybody’s

I’m not special here. In a city that shares its geography with Cambridge, being naturally smart and being well-educated are about as exciting as bread. At the risk of sounding like a snob, that’s new for me. But it’s also refreshing, because much of my life, I’ve been the smart girl, or the nerdy girl, or the bookaholic girl, or the girl who of course would go to graduate school. On some level, I would like to see that as wonderful, especially since I plan to use my education to promote education to others, and to help bridge the achievement gap. On another level, that was socially crippling when I was growing up (or at least I let myself think that it was), and I also felt that it diminished both my other interests and any challenges I had (my mother constantly reprimanded me if I ever said “I’m not good at” anything, both because I am lucky enough to be gifted at most academic things, but also, I think, because smart kids are supposed to be smart). I try not to use my intelligence or my education as ways of seeing myself as better than other people (though I fail at that a lot), but at the same time, I neither want to appear as if my education is meaningless or that it’s everything.

So that’s the first way that moving to Boston has made me anonymous. In a small graduate community where everyone has the same specialized interest and where everyone was probably the smart kid in their hometown, I am nothing special. And in a city that boasts an incredible amount of degrees per capita, I’m nothing special in the grand scheme of things. Not that Tucson is an intellectual wasteland, but I was more privy to the entire schema of socioeconomics there, and I’m not here, so in my Boston, thus far, I’m sort of par for the course. Or so it seems. I admit that it takes an incredible amount of privilege to say this, and I have noticed in my adventures on the bus and train that for such an intellectual city to function, it takes a huge population of educated people, and then a huge population of people who, educated or not, provide all the services required for the infrastructure of the city, plus a population of “less fortunate” people that we educated can volunteer to teach/mentor/give things to/etc. Since I’m still new here, I don’t know exactly how those two populations function, or whether they can be considered two separate populations or not. But it’s an interesting observation, and I’d like to keep looking at it.

Anyway, the fact that my community here consists of incredibly well educated and naturally smart people, it follows that this kind of wipes my slate clean. I’m anonymous and fresh, and being on equal playing ground with people will mean that the next three years offer me a chance to see just how gifted I am, just how much I can learn, and what exactly I’m interested in doing with what I have.

I’m also anonymous in the sheer sense that very few people know me here. I haven’t made a huge amount of friends yet, and the ones I have are great anyway. I’m meeting people, and when I’m not busy, I hang out with friends, but I live alone, I have no family here, and Boston isn’t Tucson, where you’re never anonymous, because you’ll end up in college classes with preschool playmates, and your sister will probably date the cousin of two people you went to high school with. I’m not exaggerating when I say that truly everywhere you go in Tucson, you will probably find a connection with someone there. I am acquainted with so many people in that city it’s insane. Here, almost refreshingly, I can be whoever and whatever I want, because nobody is going to remember me anyway. How will I dress? Will I be friendly or mean? Less shy or more so? Still awkward, or more adept at following the rules of a new city? Who knows.

my hair, my femininity, my laziness, my feminism

So here’s the deal about all that stuff. First, I always thought it was funny when I was young that in addition to the gender binary that exists in people’s minds, there is also a binary within genders that is perhaps more silly, because it should be even more obvious and acceptable that it’s ridiculous than the idea that sex doesn’t always coincide with gender, which has political, social, and cultural barriers to being accepted. The best way I can describe it is using the idea of the Olsen Twins, because they were huge when I was growing up. The projected idea was that Ashley was the girly girl, and Mary-Kate was the tomboy. Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield had the same split. I guess everyone thinks that if you have a sister, especially a twin, you will be split like that. Easy.

So I never understood where that placed me and my sister. She was the one who was good at sports. She was on the softball team. She also had guys want to date her and dance with her, and she’s much more into hair and makeup than I am, not to mention far more talented at it. I, in the meantime, couldn’t do anything competent with any kind of ball, hated exerting myself unless I was on my bicycle (and even then I wasn’t into racing so much as just riding around, pretending to be Mary-Kate and Ashley with my best friend), but also hated getting messy and loved dresses and dolls and my Easy-Bake Oven. So there, within-gender-binary smashed. It doesn’t work.

I think I was probably conditioned to be more of a girly girl, but something stopped me from getting as into it as others, and I’m trying to work out what that was. I did have parents who, as I’ve mentioned in other posts, were not big on buying me Barbies and showing me Disney movies, so instead I read New Moon and Dream/Girl magazine, spent lots of time making accessories for my American Girl doll instead of buying them, etc etc. But I still lived in America, and social conditioning aside, I think I was just genuinely interested in “girly” things. I like buying clothes and looking pretty. And I went through plenty of phases. In grade school people told me I had ashy skin and nappy hair (which I did–for some reason I didn’t like lotion, and neither me nor my mother really knew how to manage my curly hair). In middle school I was told I wasn’t pretty and I was generally picked on, so that didn’t help with self esteem. Once in sixth grade someone saw me and commented loudly on my nasty, hairy legs. In high school I spent a lot of time being confused about my reflection in the mirror, because no matter how aware I was, it still surprised me all the time. Either I was far more brown than I thought, or sometimes when I was in a mood of “I’m soooo different from everyone else,” I would look in the mirror and realize that in fact I am quite light, especially in the winter.

My hair has been a struggle my entire life, even long after I learned how to manage it and do it properly. For one thing, it never grows long. Now that I’ve stopped eating gluten, it has been growing better, but it still doesn’t get long, because after a certain point it just curls more and looks disgusting. Now that I’m not a swim team, I don’t get natural, beautiful blonde and auburn highlights in the summer. The baby hairs and bangs are always the wrong length, and they’re always either in my eyes or falling out of my ponytail. I don’t hate my hair, but I hate that I can’t be who I like to be with it.

I have issues with straightening or relaxing hair. First, there’s the health issue: I will fry and ruin my hair if I subject it to chemicals or heat repeatedly. Second, there’s the lazy issue: I want to look nice, but I’m not willing to put in beauty daily effort past my five minutes of hair-doing and stoplight application of mascara. Actually, it’s not even that I’m not willing–I just forget about it until I’m already out in public and I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or window. Third, there’s the money issue: after a lot of experimenting and research, I have a fairly clear idea of how I would like my hair to look, but it takes salon work, and I don’t have the money to maintain that. Then there’s the sociological issue: I know how women’s magazines only show celebrities of color in beauty features in order to highlight their whitest facial features or most controlled hair, and I don’t want to buy into that. And as I haven’t, at least outwardly, bought into that my entire life, I am walking evidence that it is not impossible to be taken seriously in a professional environment with curly hair, so I would like to continue to promote that, because I think it’s an important self-image issue for young girls, and I wish I had just had a role model of color when I was young who was “natural” but could also have shown me how to apply a little makeup or manage my hair. My sister taught me what she could, but she’s not black, and we don’t have the same hair. So, anyway, I just listed a ton of reasons why I shouldn’t have to do anything to my hair except keep it healthy and presentable. End of story.

Except it’s not, because I’m not sure how I feel about putting the cause ahead of my personal interest. Now that I’m closer to entering a professional field, a personal fashion and beauty style is something I need to develop. And I have been doing it, and I like what I’ve come up with. It’s comfortable, flattering to my body, and more or less manageable. What’s more, I think it pairs nicely with my personality, and, in theory at least, creates a nice package of a fully formed person. So slowly I’d like to put the pieces of that in-and-out style (buy the clothes, read the books, have the attitude, wear the makeup, etc) together so that it’s in place by the time I really have to be a grownup with her shit together. The problem is that my hair does not go with the rest of who I am. I don’t feel like a personality with short, curly hair, but that’s what I have, because that’s all I can get. I would like to get a keratin blowout so that my hair is more relaxed but still curlyish, which would give me the length and the softness I would like, which I think would go with my personality and with my personal style, because I would like to be able to wear a hat, and you can’t really do that when you have my hair. But that’s not an option, because that’s buying in to hegemony, because that’s super expensive and I can’t afford it, because that’s not physically what my hair is good at doing naturally, and that’s anti-….something, I’m sure.

This is a quandary, because we don’t tell children that they should change what they see in the mirror. But usually that’s because we’re telling them not to change their skin color. And if everyone has the right to change their physical appearance to match the person they want to be (getting tattoos, working out, dyeing their hair, piercing body parts, whatever), why don’t I have that privilege? Do I, or don’t I? And how is wanting to blow out my hair as a woman of color different from a white person dyeing their hair green or piercing their eyebrows? If I do manage to make it a part of me (definitely not an option until I have lots of extra money, or at least a real job with a salary), how will people react to it?

self assured

The last thing I was a a teenager was self secure. Even now I struggle with that. I’m crazy awkward (which is why, when my sister shared The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl with me, it really resonated), I’ve spent most of my life knowing who I am but trying to be something else, and I’m just generally uneasy at how I appear to other people.

I’ve gotten a lot better. For the most part, I don’t care what people think, and I’m finally old enough that I know who I am, I’ve accepted it, and I deal with it. I have embarrassing moments that I’d rather not think about, but that doesn’t mean I regret things. I don’t bother with regret. There are maybe three things from the last few years that I regret. The rest were experiences. If I appear awkward or nerdy, I’m fine with that. It pains me to sound so cheesy, but it’s really about just being true to yourself and happy with who you are.

I’m always really impressed when I meet teenagers now who are totally secure with being silly, nerdy, or otherwise not totally on par with the status quo. Some of my students this summer reminded me of who I was before I cared about who I was. I know a few high schoolers who are totally fine with having blue hair or whose friends are in college or who would rather focus on writing music than going to the mall, and I wish that I had spent more time in high school doing the things I really wanted to, rather than stress about the things that weren’t me but I wished were, like going to parties and acting slutty.

And then the other night when I went to the 12:01am showing of the final Harry Potter movie, I was in line next to two girls (14 or 15, about to be high school freshmen), and I was so impressed with how content they were just to be the two of them, in public, with all their silliness out in the open.

It’s not like dressing up for a Harry Potter movie premiere isn’t something that nearly everyone does, regardless of age. But these girls were not just dressed up. The mother of one of them left to buy snacks at Target, so my friend and I were kind of babysitting their stuff while the girls came back and forth, using the line as a home base and getting up every time they saw a new character costume so that they could pose with the person. Like posing with princesses at Disneyland. It reminded me of freshman year of high school, when I went to Disneyland with one of my best friends and we spent one of our three days there looking for as many characters as possible.

These girls were so much like me when I get excited and manic, it was crazy. Except that they were really sweet, and when I get manic, sometimes I scare myself because I’m incapable of shutting up. “Did you see the Snitch girl? We have to find her. Can you watch our Red Vines?” Then later, one of the girls came back from the bathroom. “Mrs. Weasley is peeing. We have to go take a picture with her right now.” I advised that they make sure it wasn’t just a regular woman who didn’t know she looked costumed, but she assured me that the woman was wearing an apron, so that made it okay.

One of the girls’ mother had refused to buy her a bunch of overpriced franchised material, so she made her own broomstick out of bamboo and dead cactus. Aside from missing varnish, it looked pretty much exactly like the ones in the films. When they took breaks from running around, they talked with me and my friend about characters they’d seen, other movie premiere experiences, and how excited they were for the movie. It reminded me why I’ve chosen library science in general, and why I’ve more specifically chosen youth services. I want every teenager I meet to be as vivacious, self assured, fun loving, and into books and movies and games as these girls. I want to be everybody’s teacher, big sister, and best friend. Well, kind of. More I just want to watch and guide and mentor, I guess. It was so much fun getting to know them, and because they reminded me of myself, when I used to sing songs from “My Fair Lady” at the top of my lungs, complete with perfect pitch and decent Cockney accent, not at all worried about who was listening. Some self assured teenagers scare me, as they do everyone, because teenagers aren’t supposed to know who they are unless who they are is a nerd. Teenagers who are already who they will be as adults are threatening, if also fascinating, and I won’t lie and say they don’t make me a little jealous. But these girls were perfect.

My favorite part was when they started using their homemade wands and battling with them, almost as if they were playing Rock, Paper, Scissors or Dungeons & Dragons (I’m just guessing about the second one, because I’ve never played or watched a game of D&D, but as far as I know, this is how it’s played). They threw curses at each other, standing properly the way Snape might tell them to in a Wizard Dueling seminar. And as each one cursed the other, they would qualify or modify the game. “Okay, that’s just a serpent spell, so I can’t really do anything, because now there’s a snake crawling everywhere.” Or, “How do I know when you’ve stopped the Cruciatus curse and I can stand up again and curse you back?”

We were finally let inside the theatre, and I sort of forgot about them as my friend and I started gossiping and chatting with the girls sitting next to us. Then I heard applause, and I wondered what it was. Everyone was looking down at the floor of the theatre, where the same two girls were still dueling. One had just fallen to the floor, “dead,” and the other was victorious.

They continued dueling, searching for photo ops, and eating sugary snacks until the movie began.

As soon as the screen darkened, I was over the whole thing. I’m relieved it’s all over. But I’m so happy that those two girls were in the same line as me. I hope high school changes them and grows them up in all the good ways, but I really hope that it doesn’t kill or edit the personalities that I saw the other night.

humor and sex in biracial, half-Jewish narratives

My original post on biracial narratives was posted in April. You can read it here.

While I was in California last month, I read Fran Ross’ Oreo, a 1970s farce about a biracial, half Jewish young adult. A couple years ago, I read Rebecca Walker’s Black, White, and Jewish, which is a memoir of growing up the daughter of Alice Walker and Mel Leventhal. It should be obvious why I picked these books up. If there were a memoir called Black, White, Jewish, and sort of Chicana, either I would be really intrigued, or I would be the author of it. When I heard about Oreo, I was pretty surprised, because I haven’t found a ton of people who are mixed and Jewish. I’ve met one person who was all black and considered herself a Messianic Jew, but Messianic Jews aren’t Jews, so that’s moot. And the only other black (possibly he was mixed; I don’t remember) Jew I’ve met turned out to borderline stalk me, so I haven’t had the best experience with other mixed Jews, and my biracial and Jewish experience is maybe slightly different in the technicalities, because I’m Jewish by adoption. Still, a common thread I noticed in these two books is humor. It makes sense, when you consider the similar cultural values and history of African Americans and American Jews, that they would intermarry and that in interracial families and in biracial individuals, humor would come up as a way to deal with and/or explain identity.

The humor in the narration of Oreo works first because the novel is a farce, so it’s necessary for the genre. But the character of Oreo also uses humor as a form of deflection, especially when she is dealing with issues of abandonment, identity, and family. In Walker’s memoir, which I’ll admit is not super fresh in my mind at the moment, she also uses humor as a way to assuage her mixed feelings about the way her parents raised her. Since styles of humor are so based on nationality, language, culture, race, and ethnicity, using humor in these narratives also defines who will be the best audience for the book. Oreo’s black mother has a Jewish fetish, and the book is peppered with enough Yiddish that it’s not just common Americanisms that come from Yiddish, but it’s full of things that you would have to be Jewish to understand. At the same time, it also uses slang and jargon rooted in the black seventies experience, which could possibly alienate the same group it just brought in with the Yiddish. The fact that the book lies in two literary and linguistic ghettos could either broaden or shrink its possibilities for a receptive audience. Then again, Jewish humor at least is commonly seen and understood at least by American audiences, since Hollywood and vaudeville are rooted in American Judaism, which means that the general American public is at least somewhat familiar with the style.

That’s another common thread in these two books, though I think a lot of it is just chance. Both protagonists, even though one is fictional and one is not, have divorced or separated parents. Coming from “broken homes,” I noticed that both protagonists identify more with their black families and parents (who in both books do the majority of child rearing) but also do not want to be seen as just black.

In my own experience, and in Walker’s and Oreo’s, the discovery and formation of racial identity as a mixed person rather as one or the other are shaped by, or the young women try to shape them through, sexual experiences. Both women have what would probably be seen as unorthodox or non-traditional sexual lifestyles and habits. Since sexual identity and experience do much to shape anyone’s identity, I can see why this would play a huge role in a narrative about being biracial, because personal identity doesn’t always go with outward appearance, and that leads to issues of fetishization, exoticization, or just plain confusion. The men and women that Oreo and Walker sleep with have various ideas of what kind of person Oreo and Walker are, and both books deal in part with trying to find a partner that understands, or at least acknowledges, that mixed is not the same as white, not the same as black, and not the same as Jewish.

In my own life I’ve seen how men assume that I’m African American, and I respond incorrectly to their social cues because they are not part of my life experience. I’ve seen Jewish guys treat me as an exotic piece that they can still bring home to Mom. I’ve been too white or too Jewish for Mexican guys, too Mexican for white guys, too hipster for black guys, whatever. Many biracial or racial narratives deal with being not enough of something, but I think when it comes to sexual experience and romantic relationships, often the problem is being too much of something, not too little.

Even though my age and lack of lots of experience in African American culture kept me from totally feeling like an insider when I read Oreo, I still felt it was a really positive contribution to the biracial canon, and I’m so glad that NPR did a story on it and that Harryette Mullen edited a new edition of it so that I could discover it. Humor is a really good way to illustrate to non-mixed people how complicated the mixed experience is, while sexual experiences are a very honest and true-to-life display of the limitations and struggles of mixed young people becoming adults.

Next in this series I’ll probably talk about The Latte Rebellion, but after that I really need to do some digging to find other books about the biracial experience.

grown-up time, and the living is pleasing

Summer is my favorite time of the year, even though 108-degree temperatures are not fun. Summer evenings in Tucson are beautiful, and this year there aren’t even any junebugs to ruin it (although the fact that they are nowhere to be seen is probably indication of some awful climate change issue). I love summer, and usually it’s characterized by a feeling of renewal, relief, and regained stamina for my writing. Usually it involves international, or at least transcontinental, travel. Usually it involves supplementing my education with summer school or enrichment of some kind, like swim team when I was young or surrealism classes at the Poetry Center when I was in college.

This summer isn’t bad, but it’s certainly not magical or refreshing in the way I’m used to. First, it’s not summer vacation. It’s just summer the season, and I’ve been out of school for six months, and I’m still just a working stiff. Still working various part-time jobs, but I’m actually really enjoying my main job. This is surprising to me, because my main job is teaching, and I’ve always insisted that I will never be a teacher. But not only do I like it, but I’m finding curriculum planning to be awesome, and I now know that teaching middle or high school (or even community college, since what I’m teaching now is a high school program at the community college) is a viable backup option for me that I might actually be decent at.

Still, the fact that I teach all day and then go work in an office doing administrative tasks means that I feel impossibly grown up and like the magic of summer is lost to me. Where are the dusk breezes? Where are the poems? Where are the new friends? Where are the mentors? Where are the airplanes? Where is the currency conversion? I’ve traded those things for paychecks, happy hour with coworkers, time with my family, podcasts, and mornings at the gym. I’m early to bed, early to rise. I cook food and eat dinner alone. I cross stitch and watch DVDs from Netflix. And mostly, I like it.

It strikes me this summer that even though I thought I would leave everything from high school behind, pretty much the only people I remain close with, and who I see myself being lifelong friends with, are people I went to high school with and people who live far away because I only know them from summer programs. These people are my life and my summer. In many ways I feel as if my life started in January, after college graduation, and I don’t really dwell on anything that happened before. I like living my life this adult way, but it’s also exhausting, and now I really can’t wait for September. Small bouts of adulthood before the real thing in a few years seems like a good way to go.

this is how books rule my life

I have failed tests before, but nothing fills me with a more profound sense of failure than leaving a bookstore empty handed. While this doesn’t deter me from reading or buying books, I do feel a bit like a fraud when I look at my three bookshelves and count the tens of books that I have not yet read. (1) is why I left the library book sale today with a copy of French Women Don’t Get Fat, and (2) is why I left always-easy-to-find copies of The Trial and Slaughterhouse-Five behind. I don’t pretend that that is a logical choice to make, but the book I bought does actually look good.

Also at today’s library sale, I wanted to buy a complete set of Dickens even though a) it was a really old set, and I am allergic to all books, but especially those that are old and carry even more allergens than brand new books, b) I own Oliver Twist and haven’t read it because I loved the Wishbone novelization too much to learn if it was accurate or not, and c) I have never read or had much interest in reading any Dickens aside from Oliver Twist. I wanted to buy this set because in All-of-a-Kind Family, when the girls go down to see the peddler’s at Papa’s shop and he shows them a pile of books, they are excited to find a full set of Dickens, and I am always excited to do anything that has to do with remembering All-of-a-Kind Family moments.

I am just obsessive compulsive enough to not be able to stand being in my bedroom if there is something wrong with my bookshelf (i.e. somebody has borrowed a book and there is a space, or I have forgotten that I lent somebody a book and there is a space, or something has been misshelved), and I am physically uncomfortable until that problem gets sorted out.

I wish GoodReads allowed me to add all the magazines I read so that I could keep complete track of all of my offline reading.

I have had my library card number memorized since I was seven. I am fairly certain that the library added linked library accounts (allowing family members to check out other members’ books) primarily because I used to come in, having forgotten my card, and they hated listening to me recite the number just so that I could retrieve my reserved items.

Anytime I see the word “biography,” I think “92.”

Knowing that my apartment in Boston will be approximately 170 square feet, I am spending the next few months thinking of every single thing I can possibly live without (all other hobbies, most clothing, guitar?, jewelry?, desk?, printer?, DVDs) so that I don’t have to give up anything in my book collection.

Knowing that my allergist told me that, given my specific allergies to a specific mold that grows on paper, I should not sleep in the same room as books, I decided that I would rather feel somewhat crappy every day of my life than obey medical advice.

I use the word “Nortonize” as a verb meaning “to prepare and annotate a text.”

I skip social engagements in order to book browse. I once didn’t show up to a party I really wanted to go to because I needed to go to Bookman’s immediately and find the end to a popular trilogy and read it all that night before going to bed and working the next morning.

the diet: parte deux

A little over a year ago I learned how much I weighed, and while I’ve never been one to worry about the number of pounds I hold as opposed to how I feel and look, the number that came up then scared me and was totally unacceptable, so I decided to revamp my lifestyle, keep a food and exercise diary, and strive for a physically, emotionally, and mentally healthier life.

I think I’ve done a pretty good job with that, but as I’ve grown from the picky eater I was as a child to an absolute foodie, I also learned more recently that I can’t be a foodie, because actually I have a ton of digestive and health problems that keep me from eating lots of good food. So begin the beta version of my diet, in which I visit doctors all the time and read books and articles about the science of nutrition (which is fascinating mostly because it’s a totally made up but essential science) and experiment with food and exercise to see what makes me feel good and what makes me feel bad.

In the spirit of not describing some very gross and embarrassing symptoms, I’m just going to say that due to my health problems, I am no longer allowed to eat gluten at all, and I have to eat very low amounts of simple carbs, starches, and sugars. I also have to avoid dairy for another couple of weeks, and then I can try some and see what it does to me after I’ve gotten my body healthier, because I don’t actually know whether or not I’m lactose intolerant, since all of my other problems were clouding that. I’ve also been told to avoid soy, as people with digestive problems generally shouldn’t eat soy because it can cause more, and I’m supposed to avoid bananas (no problem, because they’re disgusting), chocolate, mint, and coffee (which is bad, because I think a mint mocha latte is the greatest thing ever). So essentially I am allowed fruits, vegetables, meat, and eggs, and I eat small amounts of gluten-free grains, nuts, and beans. It was rather convenient, then, that Amanda told me about Gary Taubes’ book Good Calories, Bad Calories, which is very well researched and argues that simple carbs are the root of all evil, so when I have a health problem and the prospect of eliminating my future chance of getting cancer/cholesterol/heart attacks, it is much easier to avoid eating the things that used to be my favorite foods (namely all things made from potatoes, plus breakfast cereal).

Then I decided to read The Paleo Diet (Loren Cordain), which takes those a step further than Taubes and says that actually, you should watch your fat intake as well. So I’m striving to get close to that diet, though there is no way I will ever be able to follow it to a T, because the second I’m allowed to try dairy again, I’m going straight for ranch dressing. Or a caesar salad. Or grilled cheese. But it’s definitely a good idea, the paleo diet, so I’m going to try to mostly live by it.

But my problem comes in when I read these books because I had previously been pretty decent at being a flexitarian, only eating meat once or twice a week. And while I have no problem eating animals if they were raised and killed humanely, and preferably if they’re organic, I could never do what the paleo diet recommends and eat animals three meals a day. I can’t stomach it. Even though these diet books are very convincing (because they’re not “diet books” but lifestyle, life diet books that tell you about food science), they aren’t very socially conscious, nor are they concerned with ethical eating, and I’d like to at least try to balance my physically healthful ways with spiritually healthy ways, and that means that I have to kind of go with the Peter Singer way of living your life. Because yes, I can see how evolution tells us that we’re not equipped to eat as many carbs as we think we are. But I also think that progress occurs for a reason, and we should be privileged enough to be able to find ways to eat without hurting the earth too much.

So my quest for the next year, I think, is to establish a new baseline for my health. I want to be able to not depend on vitamins, now that gluten isn’t impeding my absorption of them, and I want to have a more strict exercise and stretching regimen. I want to move to Boston and be an efficient cook and eater. I want to stop snacking. I want to reduce my dependence on cereal for breakfast. And I want to find a way to do all of these things and still remain fairly ethical, since I am in a position where I should be able to afford to do so.

We’ll see how this goes.

post regarding the death of osama bin laden

I write a lot about privilege. About how white guys get a whole lot of it, and guys in general, and white people in general. I also write about how, even though I am a female of color, I have been afforded a lot of white privilege. And I generally hope to encourage those with privilege to identify it and acknowledge it, because that’s the only thing that can lead to fewer disparities between genders and races. I don’t think I’ve ever said that acknowledging, or actively giving up, that privilege is easy. Or fun. Privilege is awesome. And there is a certain kind of privilege that I have, which I identified yesterday, that I have absolutely no interest or intention in giving up anytime soon.

It is this privilege that keeps me from rejoicing in Osama bin Laden’s death. I’m not sure if it’s that privilege that keeps me from having any feelings about his death whatsoever. That could just be my own way of processing, and my own way of remembering how completely baffled I was when I was 13 years old and it was September 11, 2001. That year was incredibly confusing, and I couldn’t figure out who had caused the attacks, since everyone kept talking about this bin Laden guy, but then we decided to take down this Hussein guy instead.

I have middle class American privilege, and it’s probably also the same privilege for much of the upper class and even the lower class, as long as it lives in America. There are three facets to that privilege: murder, military, and political awareness. That privilege means I grew up in a world where murder has never, ever been necessary. This is a truth on a personal, tangible level, because I did not grow up around violence, but also, in my eyes, political, because the United States is blessed with an imperfect but rather efficient justice system that may include but does not require the death penalty, and because the United States is blessed with having, until recently, been a first-world nation, so in my understanding, we should have quite a few strengths at our disposal, enabling us to reach conclusions, agreements, or justice in ways that don’t require the death of humans, whether civilian, political, or military. Speaking of that, my microcosm also, until very recently, did not include any members of the military, so I did not live in a world in which people had to (by making a choice to be in a career that required the to) kill other people, or put themselves in harm’s way, and I did not live in a world where I knew people who died in the line of action, or who had missing spouses, children, or parents because they were away doing stuff I still don’t pretend to understand. Finally, that privilege extended to my political awareness, because I did not grow up in a society that required me to know what was going on in any sort of life-or-death way. I did not grow up having to understand why it was that I had to avoid the landmines next to my home. I was not an American preteen living during one of the World Wars, being encouraged to buy war bonds or plant victory gardens, or being told that rations just did not allow for a real Halloween with real candy. I was never a Cuban teenager being required by Castro to be brainwashed and then charged with the task of brainwashing others. I am very lucky not to have to deal with excessive politics just to get my day done. My awareness of political figures when I was young went from the mayor straight to President Clinton, who was mostly just that guy who played the saxophone and then did something with some girl named Monica that made everyone mad at him. So the September 11th attacks came as a huge shock, but also kind of as a huge nothing, to me. And so, because of this great privilege I have (and it’s the murder-is-never-necessary part that I don’t want to give up; the other parts I already have, for the most part), that I do not feel it is appropriate to rejoice in the death of someone.

I can understand the feelings of relief some people might have, and I can see the political implications for Obama’s reelection, and I can’t say that I’m politically sad he’s gone, but frankly, I can’t say Osama bin Laden has been up to much except hiding for the past nine years (again, that could just be my privilege of ignorance talking), and regardless of the major tragedy he caused, in my worldview, killing him should not have been on the table.

And while I accept that there are limits to my compassion here, because of that privilege, and I am not unwilling to let others have their feelings about bin Laden, I am offended by the crass statements I have seen on Facebook for the past twelve hours or so. Some just seem silly, like “I will sleep easier tonight,” because, again, if you live in the United States, I sincerely doubt that you have spent every night in the last nine years with insomnia. Especially if you’ve grown up with any of the privileges I just outlined. Statuses like “ding dong, the dick is dead” just make people look like ignorant assholes. And that Obama meme that says, “Sorry it took so long for me to show you my long-form birth certificate–I was too busy killing Osama bin Laden” bothers me for so many reasons, like how I am a pacifist, and like how Obama himself did not kill bin Laden, and like how it presumes Obama’s political agenda when this is just another enemy he inherited, and like how it panders to those assholes who constantly try to discredit Obama, and for a million other reasons. I also hate seeing all those facebook statuses because I just don’t understand how that kind of mind works. Growing up Jewish, with social activist parents and grandparents, and growing up a Democrat, and growing up an intellectual, I am struck that people who respond to death in that way (again, this is colored by my privilege) are supremely ignorant and irrational. Nobody told me to be a pacifist when I was growing up, but the fact that I was raised to question and to research, the fact that I was required to perform volunteer work year round, and the fact that my parents talked to me about all manner of things and encouraged me to read about all manner of things, made me so. I’m not trying to de-legitimize the death of someone’s sibling who fought in Afghanistan, or anything like that, but to boil everything down to “It is because Osama bin Laden existed that my brother, Soldier X, is dead” shows, to me, an incredible lack of critical thinking and human compassion. Sure, that is exactly what it boils down to, but there’s a reason we don’t boil things down. If you boil your water for too long and it all boils off, your pasta burns and you’re left with nothing. If you boil events like this down to that level, you are missing an awful lot of complexities, responsibility on the part of many nations and groups, and cause and effect (i.e. how did bin Laden come to have the ideas he did? What is it about the culture and politics of the US that attract hate? What crimes have we ever committed in the name of religion? What are the social and cultural impetuses for hate crimes and terrorism?) I know I can’t see the whole picture, but I wish people would acknowledge that few of us can see the whole picture, rather than make broad generalizations and offensive statements because they don’t want to. Feel closure, sure. Be hopeful for peace ahead. But feel closure because of the possibility of less violence, not because a human is no longer living. We should never be happy that bad people are dead. We should be sorry for the circumstances that made them angry, violent people, and we should be sad about the damage they caused. But just as Obama reminded us that the best way to honor the memory of people like Christina Taylor Green is to try and make the world a better place, I don’t believe we should be happy that we’ve made a statement about killing people by killing someone else.

But I guess I’m just lucky to be able to say that.

Slightly edited in an attempt to be more clear.

biracial vs. racial

One of the reasons I hate the term “multicultural literature” (which generally means “children’s or YA lit with a protagonist of color, usually with a plot that deals centrally with issues of race or ethnicity) is because it leaves me without an appropriate label for a sub-genre (really a sub-sub-genre, because African American literature should be a sub-genre of fiction, not some other kind of lesser fiction) that I guess I’ll have to call biracial narrative literature. Lately I’ve been reading a lot of “African American literature,” especially books that deal more specifically with the biracial experience. That experience is utterly and totally different from the African American experience or the white experience, and it differs even more if you want to divide those narratives up by whether they deal with passing, with growing up in an African American community, or growing up in a white one. And that’s only three possibilities, just because I’m only talking about biracial people who are half black, half white.

I just finished Heidi W. Durrow’s The Girl Who Fell From the Sky. It was awesome. One of the things I liked about it was that it was about the biracial experience, but it also wasn’t. It could have been anyone’s literary novel, about a girl struggling with the memories of a tragedy, but instead of being anyone’s story (because everyman is always white), it was a biracial girl’s story. Then there’s Nella Larsen’s Passing, which is first and foremost a story about going between racial worlds. I’m interested in these stories personally, for obvious reasons, but also creatively, because my novel is, among its other abouts, about a biracial girl and her journey.

What drives me crazy about a lot of racial narratives (especially those YA ones dubbed “multicultural lit”) is the social requisite for making it a racial narrative, rather than a narrative that includes or incorporates race. Or not even that, but simply a narrative of some kind that happens to be about someone who is not white. But somehow it’s different when it comes to biracial narratives, even though I still ultimately prefer the ones that are more along the lines of Durrow’s than Larsen’s. Larsen’s was necessary when she wrote it, but now I think it is so much more serviceable, even if it is not at first glance marketable or publishable, to be more like Durrow. I’m trying to figure out what it is about biracial narratives that makes it okay for them to be narratives with one of their main plot threads a racial one, while I hate it when African American narratives do that. That’s probably a research question for a semester of work, but for now, I think part of it has to do with familiarity. Not that everyone understands the African American experience, but its tropes and themes and history are at least fairly recognizable or known by the general public. With the biracial experience, not only is it not recognizable or known, but it’s not even legitimized as an experience. Biracial people are constantly asked, “What are you?” and it’s unacceptable to say that you are two races. I hate that race theory is still very binary when its social implications are complicated in this century by the existence of a third marginalized group (although, since that group is Latin@s, technically it’s not a race issue but an ethnic issue), but I also understand it, because racial experience is understood to be binary. You are white, or you are not. Simple. So it’s not that I don’t think that all literatures don’t have a lot of work to do, because they do, and there is a lot of reading of those minority literatures, whether they’re Durrow-style, YA-style, or Larsen-style, but I’m starting to think that maybe the new frontier is biracial literature.

I’m going to keep this thread going, I think.