sarah HANNAH gómez

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I haven’t been able to journal from all this stress, because I hate it when my journal reads like my childhood diaries, with lists of “today I did this and then this and was told this and then finished that and ate this with so-and-so.” I’m desperate to write, because these are times when I need to be doing something creative to get me out of my head, which is filled with biopsies and ultrasounds and bloodwork. The moleskine in my purse is finally not filled with shopping lists and phone numbers but with quick letters to myself about things I need to think about when I have time to think. But it’s so hard to start your journal again when you’ve been out of it for more than a week. And I have no time. This is piano week. If you are not made of black and white keys and three pedals, I will not hang out with you until after Sunday’s master class. I should be practicing right now instead of writing here.

I’m also reluctant to go back to my paper journal because a) my tennis elbow is finally going away and I don’t want my hands to start cramping again just when they’ve stopped, and b) I’m starting to feel as if I can write anything I want to here. Part of that is because so few people read this, so I’m essentially just writing to myself on a computer instead of on paper. But I’m also trying to decide where this blog is headed, because I’m finding so many blogs and webmags and zines and things that I want to be involved in, and I’ve been reading so much and writing (at least in my head) and I’ve been inspired by so many things. Is it silly to want to be cutting off my real life in favor of an Internet one? Is it silly to plan to become an Internet personality? I dunno.

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I love English classes because they’re interesting, but also because they trigger interesting thinking that has almost nothing to do with what is being talked about in class. Often I wonder and think about how it feels like I’m the only person in the world capable of thinking. Isn’t it weird to think that people other than yourself are capable of thinking and also being actors in the play of your life, just like you are to them? It blows my mind. I was sitting in class today and thinking about how I want to reconcile all these battling personalities in my head, because I am a different person on paper and in life and on a computer. The computer and the paper people are more similar, but the loud, real-life person gets in their way, and they’re all so different, and each one of those people has a million characters for fiction projects rolling around in their heads. Is this a bipolar thing or a writer thing or a human thing? I don’t know, but I love English classes, and I’m so happy I’m changing my major. But I’m also so happy for choir, which I was starting to hate but which today was the second-best part of the day after English. And yesterday I elliptical’ed for forty-five minutes with my new favorite friend and when I came home I was completely happy about everything, even though really my life is falling spectacularly to pieces and I don’t know what I’m doing with it. Thank G-d for English and exercise. Oh, life.

Spring break’s plans were to do a few chores like my taxes, read a lot, and relax. Instead, my couple of routine doctor’s visits have turned into referrals for more, and with all the possibilities for sickness I have, I feel like I’m knocking on death’s door. I’ve decided I want to live with my parents next year, change my major, and graduate a semester early. Let’s just hope the department lets me. U of A is way too expensive to stay the whole year, and damned if I’m going to start paying for my education now. If I have to take out loans or pay real money, it has to be for a Master’s degree.

the belzhar

february reading in review

what else i’m up to, and where

the walls around us

i accidentally secretly watched the entire twilight saga

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