I am completely unhappy with my major, and I can’t change it.
I don’t love music anymore, and it’s going to cost me at least $1100 over the exorbitant new tuition fee next year to stay in that major and write a thesis in it. If I could drop out of school now and just write, I would. Except I really want to go to grad school. I just don’t want to finish my undergrad. I’m not cut out to be a music major, and I don’t like feeling inadequate. I know it’s my fault, because I don’t study enough or practice enough, but I think I’m freaking out because I’ve never been average in my whole life, and now I am. It doesn’t feel good. And I know that makes me a huge snob.
I just can’t bring myself to practice, kind of like my writer’s block. It’s like, knowing that I will never be good enough makes me not want to be good at all. I want to want to practice, but it’s easier to sit here and watch movies and read and think about when I’m done with my bachelor’s.
Lately I’m realizing more and more what I want my future to look like, and it’s more a literary one than a musical one. Music is a hobby, and literature and libraries and non-fiction and movies are my job. I like how music informs my writing and my creative life, but I don’t like how it’s taking over and how I’m not good at it. But right now, I still have to do music. But I feel less happy about it every day, and I kind of want to get out of it before I hate it.
I shouldn’t have started a diet and exercise plan right when I needed to start playing the piano more. But I’ve already lost 1 1/2 of the 15 pounds I need to lose, and I feel so good since I’ve begun to exercise more. And I want to look and feel good about myself, and somehow, diet and exercise seems a better way to do that than piano. and it took me about nine minutes of “Food Inc” to decide to be more or less a vegetarian, or at least to follow my parents’ lead and only eat organic meat. I don’t have time for all this self-improvement, but I can’t quit any of them. I cannot wait until June, 2011, when I am done with all this.