now i remember what i wanted to say

So last night I remembered the other thing I wanted to say when I was talking about that article. Because I really didn’t talk about that article at all.

A. I found the article interesting because I think you can relate the study of developmental psychology to the study of literature and coming of age novels.

B. I also found it relevant because lately my family has been very concerned with my wanting to do so many degrees and just study, study, study. I dunno; I think it’s pretty awesome that all of a sudden I am really excited about learning and going to school, and plus I think I am owed a good educational experience after the sub-par one I’ve had for the past three years. and my parents are teachers with college degrees, so I think they would be generally pleased with my aspirations to get educated and also go on to educate others. But now my mother and sister (also a teacher) are asking me where I plan to put marriage and a family if I want to be in school for the next nine years.

First of all, i think it’s a silly thing to ask when nobody is breaking my door down and trying to love me. And also, it is possible to go to school and be in a relationship. People make it work. So, if someone does start breaking my door down, who’s to say I won’t be able to handle it in addition to a thesis? School will be my career for the next decade, and people certainly have careers and families. I’m not saying it would be easy, but it’s silly to think that my saying “I want a PhD” means “I don’t want children.” Because even though externally, I complain all day about all these ridiculous people I know who are getting engaged before they can drink legally, because they’re absolutely crazy, I do also kind of wish I had that security. I maybe would change my educational plans (and I still might–after I finish my master’s, I might decide that a PhD is not for me) if I had someone I was in love with. It’s easy to talk shit about people who have what you want. And I think it’s good to have a life plan that doesn’t include other people, especially when you have a long history of being really bad at dating other people. And even if I did have all that, it would be pretty fucking irresponsible to have a baby instead of a degree. Because the baby’s going to want you to have a degree when it realizes that without your degree, you can’t feed it.

So again, I don’t know if I’m saying anything or just muddling things up, but maybe I do have too many options. Maybe if someone told me, no, Hannah, you absolutely cannot get a PhD because you’re a woman and you’re black and you have too many good things to do in your career as a librarian to waste time being Dr. Librarian first. But I think my problem as an emerging adult is that people are telling me not to put certain things off, but those are the things that I can’t really get even when I try, so I don’t see the problem in doing other things, but they also keep me from starting “real life.”

Gah. I don’t know why I say lots of nothing all the time.


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