sarah HANNAH gómez

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So I still cannot stop myself from reading. That is why my 2011 reading challenge looks like this

read 33 books toward her goal of 150 books.

but my novel word count is only 9892. Still, that’s more than last time I updated my blog with a word count, and even though that means nothing since it’s not like I blog every day, I’m going to pretend as if that’s significant. Because that’s only counting the real chapters, not the random notes and bits and pieces of dialogue I sometimes come up with. I’m determined to write this one chronologically if it kills me. Clearly I don’t finish things when I write out of order, so it’s worth a try.

I wrote this post a week ago, and as it always goes in my life, I found myself wondering if I could love two disciplines. This has constantly been my problem with studying both music and literature, or both music and writing, or both writing and literature. I suppose that will always be my problem.

But anyway, I read Dash and Lily’s Book of Dares today, and like any book written at least in part by Rachel Cohn, I ate it up. For all the times I’ve been to New York, I’ve never been to the Strand. But I’ve been to Bookman’s, which is the Tucson equivalent to the Strand or Powells, and even not having been to those places, I can understand the culture of a used bookstore, the intellectual snobbery and one-up-ery and sincerity that goes with being a really earnest lover and lurker of a place like that. I’m also on goodreads, and I love that there is a virtual community that lacks the pretension or obligation of facebook and yet is still a strange, 21st century, fascinating new thing that revolves around not just reading, but love of reading and respectful worship and awe of authors. And I volunteer in an arts therapy group that tends to attract as its mentors social workers, teachers, counselors, and writers, and being around those writers who are lucky enough to be called authors as well is so warm and reassuring. I love that they encourage me in a way that’s not condescending. I might not have published in book form yet, but I am their equal because I am a slave to language. And I’m also a member of the Blue Boards, another place where I know that just because I haven’t yet finished my novel doesn’t make me less smart, less dedicated, or less worthy of a writer, critic, or person.

And those are the reasons why that, even though I am happy being by myself much of the time, even though I purposely cancel outings with friends if I have had too many social outings recently, even though I don’t like to find myself in crowds of any kind, I want to continue to strive to be a writer, and eventually to become an author. Because for all of my social ineptitudes and awkwardness, and for all my wanting to be by myself, I love the community that I am afforded when I identify myself as someone who needs words to live. It’s the best community of all.

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This post is not going to be very pretty or formal or nice sounding.

Even though I have much better things I could be doing, I have been reading pages and pages of debate about the casting of The Hunger Games . It took me by surprise, because I am one of those people who read those books in about five minutes each, so I don’t remember much being discussed about race. That’s because race wasn’t discussed. But also, because I am not white, and also because I’m American, and also because I read a lot, I have been socialized to accept that not talking about race means white, and talking about it means non-white. So the fact that Katniss’ race is never mentioned explicitly made me surprised to see this debate come out. Also, I just didn’t know they were making a movie. Also, Hollywood and publishing are two of the greatest assholes of American culture (or is American culture just one giant douchebag?), so unless a book’s main plot is about being biracial or non-white, generally it’s accepted that the people in it couldn’t possibly be anything but white. I guess I’ve been acceptably brainwashed, because surprise! It’s possible that Katniss is not all white.

That would be awesome, but then there’s all that shit about the “Caucasians only” casting call, and so the debates begin.

I’m not going to rehash any of them, because I think to anyone with half a brain and an eye for social justice, it’s pretty obvious that there is a big problem with the casting call, with the idea that supporting characters are easily thought of as non-white, but Katniss is in contention, and yadda yadda. But some lesser mentioned things that people make comments about are standing out to me.

First of all, how is Collins’ saying that she thinks Jennifer Lawrence will do a great job an admission of Katniss’ being white? Lawrence probably will do a great job. I can see that. And Collins, who seemingly had a great deal of input in the casting process (quite unusual), didn’t get the chance to see any actresses but white ones audition for her protagonist. But I fail to see why saying someone is a good actress means that the character was white. I’ve seen plenty of white authors who just don’t want to deal with whitewashing.

Second, this shit about Panem being postracial is crazy, because that’s not even possible. Race is biological. It is not a fucking social construct. Ethnicity is a social construct. It can be chosen or rejected. What is being discussed with regards to the Hunger Games is race, not ethnicity. I know (mostly white) people like to say that they’re “postracial” or “colorblind” because they think that’s code for “I can’t possibly be racist,” but firstly that’s not true, and secondly it’s no more possible for us to be postracial than it is for us to be post….feet? Lungs? Vascular systems? The flu? Secondly, differences in color should be noticed, because generally race does contribute something to our ethnicity, which means it contributes to our personal identity and our presentation of that identity to the world, and also, differences should be celebrated. What color shouldn’t be is a way of validating discrimination . If you claim to be colorblind, you claim that all cultures are created equal, that all cultures are in essence the same, and that human experience is universal. That’s great for you, Mr./Ms. Privileged To Be From the Dominant Culture, but that not only pisses people off, but it also does you a disservice. We’re not all the same. We’d be boring if we were. You’re also being pretty offensive, because chances are, if you claim to be colorblind, it’s because you’ve never experienced discrimination or marginalization for your color. So thanks so much for diminishing the experiences with racism that I’ve had. I guess I was asking to be told to get out of the country because I walk around not being all postracial all the time?

The moral of the story? Identifying race (or ethnicity, for that matter) does not make you an asshole. Erasing it does. Identifying systemic and institutional racism isn’t nitpicky, it’s not reverse racism, and it’s not contributing to a more racist world. In fact it is helpful, it is intelligent, it can be academic, it is socially conscious, and it is unavoidable to those who experience it.

That honestly came to my mind today. Because I do a lot of active non-writing, in the form of voracious reading, moleskine note-writing, and research about things that are going to play into the themes of my novel.

And then I had this horrible/wonderful thought, which was, what if my complete happiness at Simmons means that I have finally found my purpose in life (wonderful)? And what if that purpose is to be a bibliophile, an educator, a scholar, and an advocate (horrible?)? It is actually very settling to know that I know I’m headed in the right direction, and even though I have a lot of self improvement to work on before and after I get to Boston, I feel more stable than I have in a long time.

But not being a writer is unacceptable. So damnit, the not writing is stopping today. Today the word counting begins. I’m at 8057 in chronological chapters, plus some out of order scenes and bits make the total 9322. That’s nearly 10,000. And a book could be 80,000 words. So I’m nearly 1/8 of the way through. Easy peasy. So let’s go.

the belzhar

february reading in review

what else i’m up to, and where

the walls around us

i accidentally secretly watched the entire twilight saga

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