When I joined CouchSurfing.org a million years ago, I filled in the “my mission” field on the profile as “My mission is to be happy with myself.” Since it was a few years after that before I started using the website regularly, it has remained my “mission.”
I like it, and it’s been a perpetual struggle. I’ve always tried to be too many people, and I’ve always been socially awkward, and I’ve always been better at doing/saying/appearing to be one thing in my head, and it always comes out different in real life.
Aaaaanyway, I think I’m on the road to that now. I’ve definitely gotten to the point where I am comfortable with myself–I don’t care if other people like to go to clubs and I prefer drinking parties with Scrabble; I don’t feel bad about not associating with people whose politics or personalities are offensive to me; and I’m happy to be a nerd. That said, moving to Boston upset a lot of my balance, and being comfortable is different than being happy, and I’m still working on that. I’ve suffered bouts of depression and plain old bad health, and I should probably be seeing a doctor or five. For someone who has always taken good care of herself, I am not succeeding at that right now.
After a month and a half of barely working out, I started back at the gym and instantly my cloudy mood lifted significantly. The next step is to live a cleaner lifestyle, to get rid of the physical and mental clutter, and to get out of my apartment and do stuff that makes my brain happy. I say that all the time. So I need to figure out what will make me do it. But the fact that I feel starved for ideas, and at a loss for things to say, scares me enough that I just might do it this time.