theodore laurence rises with the newsies

Guys, I just saw The Dark Knight Rises and I have so many feelings and opinions that I have to repeat everything I said while watching the movie in the theatre and then some.

This is in no particular order. It’s probably spoilerrific, but I assume if you’re reading this, not only do you not care, but you’ve already seen the movie. Still, you’ve been warned, I guess.

  • When did Alfred get a chance to travel back in time and get raised in even farther east London and pick up even more of an accent?
  • Seriously, having the BIGREVEAL at the end when a lady tells Cameron-I-mean-Officer-I-mean-Detective-Blake that his name Robin is nice is just lame.
  • There’s something that feels like a big failure when your name is Christopher Nolan and you’re kind of famous for doing these awesome movies and then you end your trilogy with a shoutout to the end of a Dan Brown novel.
  • When Gordon picked up the flare, it was like the 238593275th time I had called him Sirius, but I was so happy that he had his wand! Or maybe he was Beethoven and was finally picking up his conductor’s baton and was ready to conduct the “Ode to Joy.” Either way, I was very happy for him.
  • I really wanted Joseph Gordon Levitt to get those kids on that bus and then call on his angel from the outfield to save them.
  • Who the hell is this Bane guy, and why was that the lamest and weakest origin story of all time?
  • Anne Hathaway acted so underneath her talent and ability that I actually missed Katie Holmes. That should be an insult to all involved in the making of this film.
  • I think Christian Bale got confused and thought he was in The Machinist again, and I was scared and grossed out. Also, I am sad for his insides because his great talent for acting means he treats his organs like utter crap. His vocal cords must hurt, and I’m sure all of his essential bodily processes have been permanently messed up by how often he bulks up, slims down, etc etc. I want to thank him for his great sacrifice, because he’s so talented and yet so crazy to do the things to his body that he does that he is clearly demented.
  • Nestor Carbonell is still beautiful, and for that I am grateful.
  • Now, actually on a serious note, I am far from ignorant about the problem with the way women are portrayed in comics. It’s crazy and anti-gravity and demeaning. I know that even though I don’t read comics, like, ever, and never have read any that weren’t about a gang that lived in Riverdale or that weren’t on my syllabus this summer (and even then, some books I just never got to….you try taking 11 graduate units in one summer and get all your reading done). But I honestly thought that, all the problems with portrayals of women in the media considered, this was a little more boys-will-be-boys and less worrisome than some other media. But I have now changed my mind, because all of the men involved in this movie treated Anne Hathaway like utter shit. Seriously. When she got on the batcycle, or whatever it’s called, they completely changed its entire design from when Batman rode it so that her butt (which I think was padded with the liposuction leftovers of, like, ten people) would stick out in such an impossible and absurd fashion that it looked like she was asking to take it up the ass. I’m sorry to be crude, but I feel like that’s the thought behind such a design, so it deserves a disgusting description. I hope she felt uncomfortable and demeaned, because that’s what it looked like, and they should be ashamed. And women should make some superhero movies to compete with this (I know, I know–I’m halfway through that episode of “Studio 360” right now).
  • Also, they never used to show Batman in good light before, so I’m not sure if this existed in the last two movies or just in this one, but he definitely had a neoprene codpiece, and it was not attractive.
  • Cameo of Sergeant Wu from “Grimm” as a cop!
  • Just a thought, but if I were exiled and force out on ice, I would make like a polar bear and slide my whole body. Isn’t that supposed to help it not break?
  • The storytelling of this franchise, which was previously as epic and superhero-y and still cinematically sound as ever, severely suffered in this one. The transfer of Bruce to the desert well prison thing was so badly described and depicted that it took me probably half an hour to understand what had happened.
  • Gary Oldman will never be anything but awesome. Never. Just so we’re clear, Christian Bale, too. And Joseph Gordon Levitt. And Morgan Freeman, and Michael Caine. Also, I adore Marion Cotillard. And Anne Hathaway, usually, but it’s hard to be awesome when the people who hire you only know you as a walking vagina.
  • I just didn’t get how I was supposed to feel about this Occupy Gotham thing, and I couldn’t figure out which side it was taking. For awhile it seemed to be making the same point as the real Occupy, but then it seemed to be a Tea Partier’s perspective, and then it just stopped making sense.
  • Speaking of storytelling and not making sense, you know what else was inconsistent and whacked? The entire time Bane had control of the city and people were thrown out of their homes, other people lived in gymnasiums and needed FEMA to help them, and other people just kept living their lives and came out of their houses to take out the trash and learned that the bomb had been disposed of.
  • I don’t know about you guys, but if I see one more movie about an epic hero and it ends with him being dead (except actually he’s on an island with Tommy Hilfiger, drinking mai tais, wink wink), I’m going to scream. There are tropes, and then there is phoning it in.

Basically, Christopher Nolan, you took a great thing and threw it on the ground and spat on it. Thanks for that.

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